I think a lot about my funeral
When I was a kid, I had a ridiculous fear of death - Which I later discovered was
a symptom of childhood trauma– Anyways,
I remember being as young as a toddler when I cried to my mom about how
scared I was to die. "That's not gonna happen for a long time, sweetheart," she'd
tell me
And I would always reply that you can never know.
I’ve seen multiple people from my childhood pass on already and I'm not yet 21.
I'm grateful that there hasn't been anyone too close to me, but it still comes to my
mind at least once a year that there are people who I played with on the play-
ground that are no longer here. I try not to think about it, and I try not to bring it
up because it's depressing, and people don't like to talk about depressing stuff;
especially when it's not about someone close to them. But I can't help but think
about mortality these days.
I think the scariest part for me is the implication that I could cease to exist. Like,
I hate existing for more reasons than I care to disclose, but I'm here, existing
already. I want my existence to be on my own terms, you know?
Not because of circumstance, or freak incidents, or when my body decides to
give up before me. I don't know. I guess it's something you just eventually accept.
Or not.
It will happen either way.
You can never know.
Maybe I'm just a control freak.
I don't mean to accidentally offend religious folks or anything by saying all of
this. But last year, I read somewhere that death and funerals are performative
because everyone says they're for the deceased, but they're for the living.
It's a comfort to see that people will be sad for you, for sure.
I don't know. I want my flowers now.
If it's for the living anyways, I want my funeral to be a big party.
Maybe I can get a few more good memories out of the little kids who will have to
come with their aunt.
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