i have the overwhelming urge to move away, but the problem is that i don’t know where to, and i don’t know where from
i can’t move by myself, that’s one of the few things in this life that i know for sure, i’ve always had trouble being sure
i want to move to a made up city and bring the good parts of my life with me
the fourth dimension is lonely
the mechanisms of my world exist only in black and white
stagnancy or vivacity
drought or drowning
i am two souls, and they are friends, they are foes, they love each other to pieces, they want to rip each other to pieces
they fit together like puzzle pieces, but they build an ugly picture
i swing in every which way, on the spectrum of calmness and chaos i have with oiled wheels and a rocket strapped to my back,
propelling me every which way
sometimes there is a blip of time where i do not want to move away
there is a blip where i am not erupting my emotions volcanically
they don’t spew out of my mouth and eyes in an unstoppable flow
it is a blip where i am not fighting a vacuum
the two souls that fight for space in my body harmonize, and i finally get a taste of euphoric balance
balance does not have a place in my brain, i am unfamiliar with her
and i shoo her away when she knocks on my door but the second she leaves i am on my knees
begging her to engulf me
to eat me whole
i want balance so badly that i will
sacrifice my skin, sacrifice my eyes, all of my organs, my heart
take a bite from my arm, i promise that i don’t mind, i won’t stop you
i am not one person living two different lives i am not a million people living a million different lives
i am a million different people living one life i live the same schedule every week i can’t tell if this routine is my sanctuary or the blazing inferno that dries out my lungs and throat and asphyxiates me in the middle of the street because of the panic that there is no way out
i am vigilant over my sadness, i must be present else it becomes destruction, no end to justify the means
rip my eyes out of my skull and i won’t go blind
do with my body what you please as long as it’s you and me
strike me and i will find love in the fact that you used an open palm rather than a closed fist
my halves crave it
they crave safety
they will find it anywhere
they find it under the floorboards, into the dirt
they want to move away, to find new soil to bury themselves in, to find the comfort in the pressure
lay over them, make them whole
force roots out of me, shove them into the ground
keep me here, please.