baptism in black and blue

it feels too much like lying when your face is haloed by gentle hands of moonlight. i am half dead. too busy thinking that i hate how i want you. how i want to make you come. im confusing my hands with my eyes is all. loving is familiar with truth and wanting is friends with violence. your back is to me. how ugly was my needing? watching your shoulders curve as you breathe. almost makes me forget this body. this useless thing that cant even want you properly. but right now im doing this for you. im doing this for you. please let me do this for you. let me build one good thing one pleasurable thing one worthy thing one holy thing with these ugly fucking hands. with these sunken cheeks. with these solid feet. this twisted spine. this brittle hair and crooked nose and cruel smile. do not let the anger bleed into my nails into my teeth into my hips. this is meant to be an act of reverence. the one thing that is not a war. let me show you i am born of flesh not beaten from stone. i am giving you the blade i am showing you the veins i am pulling up my shirt i am telling you where to make it hurt. i want it to hurt. there is still blood left in me. bathe me in it. i want to be clean.