I wanted Takis. The lemon-habanero kind that are all sweet, salty, and spicy. I really wanted them but I didn’t want to stand up; Tim’s couch had grown accustomed to my figure and I started to melt - my life a Sprite commercial necessitating high fructose bubbles of syrupy goodness. All the stale smoke was compounding the heat in my head. The Brita bit my tongue but the faucet steamed and Larry was curbing his enthusiasm in the background when I turned to Tim and asked if he wanted to go to the store and he did; but not the 7/11, he wanted to go to the store that was around the corner and since they also had Takis I said that’s okay and that’s when Tim first brought up Arizona. We walked to the store and I should have worn a scarf because the squirrels were angry and each gush gnawed away at the exposed skin. I was reminiscing the sweet moments of decomposing when I opened the door to the store and a wily marmot shut it back in my face so I opened it again and stepped inside. Confronted with a collage of chip choices I made conversation with each sailor cheetah toucan and tiger until a chocolatey parrot and I hit it off. Tim asked me if I wanted chili/lime takis or habanero/lemon which is a tough decision for me to make for I enjoy habanero pepper more than chili pepper but prefer lime fruit over lemon. Quite a lot of thinking ensued and while I thinked Tim checked out except Tim couldn’t check out because Tim had wanted to check out with reds but the cashier asked for ID to buy the reds and Tim had an ID but the cashier said the ID he had is expired and Tim said how can a birthday expire and the cashier didn’t have an answer to that but refused to sell Tim the reds and Tim left to get a passport - the birthdate on which was the same birthdate as the birthdate on the ID but the birthdate on the passport was not expired. I used the extra time to my advantage and strolled the endless aisles to scrutinize the variations in chocolate and peanut butter and pretzel and nougat lining the aisles. Then I heard a noise and it was loud so I looked and what I saw was the cashier being robbed and I wondered if it was Tim who was robbing the cashier so I blinked and was relieved to see it was a treefrog who was committing the crime and since Tim was not wearing green I was sure nobody else would mistake the two and Tim would not be brought into a lineup with five lookalikes and a witness calling forth number 3 from a one-way window. As the robber leaped away I wanted to check out but the cashier was on the phone with the police and was not checking me out so I coughed and waved my cash and put it on the counter and took my things and left out the door and walked home expecting to cross paths with Tim but I did not - I arrived home uninterrupted. Tim was not home and I was worried he had gotten lost trying to walk to the store without me but that was not the case I learned when he arrived and he said, “that is not the case.”
Earlier (or later depending where you are)
Me: Do I have meth breath?
Tim: Naw, you’re good.
Me: I’mma brush.
I go into the bathroom.
Me: Fucccckkkkk iiiiiiitttt.
Tim: What’s up?
Me: My roommate moved her toothpaste.
Tim: You don’t have toothpaste?
Me: Usually
Tim: So you usually don’t have bad breath? Comforting.
Me: I ran out yesterday and literally just used like a drop of hers.
Tim: You think she noticed?
Me: Always. One time I used a q-tip and the next day the container was gone.
Tim: It wasn’t in the bathroom?
Me: That's what I’m saying! This girl would rather brush in her room than share some toothpaste. I gotta water down her coffee pot whenever I take a glass.
Tim: It’s not like it’s a brush.
Me: I need to get this taste out of my mouth.
Tim: Takis?
Me: Sevenaleven?
Tim: Lets go to the corner, I don’t wanna cross Halsted.
After the events described in the preceding paragraphs.
Me: Yo where you been?
Tim: I was getting reds. The cashier at the corner wouldn’t let me get reds because he said my ID was expired so he couldn’t sell me reds so I had to go somewhere else to get reds. Reds is what I got. Reds.
Me: I saw a green treefrog rob the store while you were gone.
Tim: Green you say?
Me: Yes, green.
Tim: Well I was getting reds. Not greens. Reds.
Me: I know you were getting reds. I'm saying while you were getting reds a green treefrog robbed the cashier at the corner store. Green.
Tim: Red.
Me: Green.
Tim: Red.
Me: Green.
Tim: Well this is going nowhere.
Me: Is that where you went?
Tim: Are you accusing me of being a treefrog?
Me: A green treefrog.
Tim: Red.
Me: Green.
Tim: Red.
Me: Green.
Tim: Green.
Me: Red. Wait
Tim: Gotcha!
Me: That was a good one.
Tim: That one was good.
Me: You wanna roll a fat one?
Tim: Sure, do you have any green?
Me: I always do.
Tim: How much you got?
Me: Barely the difference between something and nothing.
Later that very same day.
Tim: Wake up.
Me: Is everything okay?
Tim: In the world?
Me: What? No. With you, right now; why’d you wake me up? Tim: I just remembered about an ad I saw at the post office for the FBI’s 10 most wanted amphibians.
Me: I don’t think those are called ads.
Tim: Number 1 was the treefrog convenience store snatcher.
Me’s eyes bug out, unable to comprehend the magnitude of the situation.
Tim: The police have been on its tail for ages but it always eludes them - y’know, because they’re completely incompetent in every way imaginable.
Me: Naturally. Wow, that explains everything.
Tim: Does it?
Me: It illuminates a few things.
Tim: Does it even do that much?
Me: It was nice to hear your voice.
Tim: Aww.
An unexplained amount of time later or before.
Me: Did you hear? They caught the treefrog corner store ‘makes good coroner stories’ killer.
Tim: Wow, how many user-friendly, well-accommodating, readily-available shopping centers did he rob?
Me: 16. They said it was a crime of convenience… stores.
End of play and end of the world.
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