Dios te salve María. Llena eres de gracia, el señor es contigo. Bendita eres entre todas las mujeres y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús. Santa María, Madre de Dios, ruega por nosotros los pecadores, ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte. Amén.
At church, time seems to be lost to the sad faces of the saints around her. Mostly she just mimics everyone. Repeats amén after Padre Luis says it, moves her mouth along with the prayers she doesn’t know. Kneels and stands. Kneels and stands and sits. Kneels and stands.
She wonders if she’s supposed to feel anything. If Dios is hearing her. She’s scared that he is mad at her for not feeling anything, but if he were really mad he would speak to her. He would give her a little sign. Maybe a twinkle of the light in the rose window, or maybe a splash of a shadow falling on her hand in a perfect little circle. She looks for these signs but sees nothing. Abuelita always tells her to pray and to be a good girl. She says bad girls have to repent with Padre Luis, and Luciana is too shy to confess, so she prays.
She thinks of all the things she’s done wrong in all her life. She made mami upset when she was too scared to order her own water at the restaurant the night before. She kept Tío Miguel’s toy soldiers hidden under his bed until they eventually got rid of all the furniture in his room. She lied to her teacher when he asked her if she understood how to add fractions.
Diosito, si me estás escuchando, perdóname por todo lo que hice mal. No voy a mentir y no voy a llorar más.
Angel de la guarda, mi dulce compañía, no me desampares ni de noche ni de día. Si me desamparas qué será de mi? Angel de la guarda, ruega a Dios por mi.
That is her favorite prayer. She figures if she says it enough times it would be just as good as if she said the Padre Nuestro prayer, which is longer and hard to remember. The only times she went to church were the Sundays she spent with Abuelita Rafaela. Abuelita Rafaela has a big Virgen de Guadalupe in the corner of her room. She is carved from wood and painted with very dark colors, but she is still very pretty. When she stares down at Luciana from Abuelita’s shelf, her eyes are filled with sadness, her hands praying on her chest and her green cloak caught dancing in a single, fluid movement. She has little rays of light coming off her, and Luciana likes to spend time with la Virgencita when everyone else is in the living room.
Her mother nudges her to stand up again. She blinks and notices that she is the only one still kneeling. Everyone else in the church is singing, and their voices seem to vibrate in the wooden pews and then drift into the high ceilings. She follows the voices, and her eyes come to rest on the huge organ with its long brass pipes that are arranged side by side by side. They look like teeth to her, and for a moment she wishes everyone else would be quiet so she could hear them sing instead. Maybe Diosito was speaking to her through the organ, and she just couldn’t hear him.
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